Another goodbye

Pain is in my heart, words are in my head, and I really need to have His words to heal the heart and fill my head. I wake up early, but not early enough. Two of my three blessings have already emerged from their beds. I've had enough time for a shower and a half of a cup of coffee, but not enough time to fill pages with words and get the Power to make it through this day. A tough day. A day of leaving and goodbyes.

The past three years have been full of hurt and lonely and rejection. Full of loving and waiting to be loved. And waiting some more. Of pouring out and learning that only God will consistently pour back. Then He gives me a friend. A dear friend who comes over and watching my "big" kids (who are three and eighteem months) while I lay in bed with a newborn and the flu. A friend who keeps me up until 2am scrapbooking and talking, talking, talking. A friend who calls and says "I'm coming over with quiche. What kind of coffee do you want?"

Why do the people who love me have to move? Why am I starting on the journey all over again? Will the winter season ever end? I don't know the on-this-earth anwers to these questions. I know that in my real Home, this sadness will not be part of my story. There is no leaving, no crying, no lonely. There are no questions of why I can't break into the lives of the people around me--only answers. Or at least the lack of questions.

The hard part is to not shut down. I need to push through pain and remain open to the possibilities of someone new. {Sounds like a high school break up, doesn't it?} It's much easier to stay locked up in our suburban world of house and kids and grocery shopping and dinner preparations. It is acceptable (and, really, valued} to be "busy." It's hard work to reach out and risk and love, especially with the knowledge that it will end. By death or by moving, our lives never stay the same with the people we love. Isn't this one {of the many} reasons that Jesus was a "man of sorrows"? Because he loved and didn't always get love in return? Because he poured out into his disciples, knowing that he would leave them soon?

Hopefully I can put the words and hurts on hold. Hopefully I will be awake enough after the kids go to bed to process and give all of the words to Jesus. Between now and then, I'm saying my goodbyes over a piece of quiche and a coffee.