I had been looking forward to today for almost three weeks. Not in a "I can't wait until Christmas" kind of excitement, but I was still looking forward to it. Normally when I know I'm going to be with a large group of strangers I get VERY nervous. Although I may mask it well, I'm not very hip on the meet-people-let's-be-friends thing. It's much easier for me to reach out to others who are in need of friendship than to be the one who needs the friend (as I'm sure most of my readers will agree).
Walking into the building, it felt like I had been there a million times before. In a way, I had but just not here, in this place. And after the rush and hustle and bustle of endless announcements and advertising, it was over. And I was left feeling sad, empty, and very disappointed. I came home and within 10 minutes called a girlfriend who would empathize with my feelings. This place where I had once gained clarity and wisdom, refreshment and friendship is no longer there for me.
Jeremy thinks I need to try again, but I have no desire to be there. At all. Maybe this was God's way of saying "this is not the place I have for you." Maybe, as with many other things in this move, there isn't a home. Maybe the lifelong lesson to be learn while living in Great Falls is to be content. Content with places and groups that don't feel like home. Content to live in a place that is...good, but not what I long for.
Isn't that the way we are all suppose to feel? I mean, even if you are living near relatives that you love and get along well with, where you can shop at your favorite stores, people fix huge amounts of food for potlucks, and the weather is always your version of perfect, even then we should have that feeling of "not quite right" (as we say in Korea). If you are a beliver, this world isn't your home, no matter what your ZIP code is.
The place that I wanted to feel like home doesn't. I now must continue on this great task of finding my place, the temporary place where God wants to plant me and watch me bloom.
It's not easy.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
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3 comments:
I know how you feel. I wish I didn't...and I wish you didn't. I'll be praying.
Hang in there, and tonight we can bury ourselves in a whirlwind of photos, paper and double-sticky tape. I can't wait to hear about your adventures in Korea!
And that is what I fear now that we are at a major decision point. At least in the military we can keep moving, but getting out makes me think that we will probably end up someplace permanently and even though I always said I could do GF, I just don't know.
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